I struggle with offering writings on a consistent basis, but I love it, so here we go…
Consider this a sort of catch up. No particular message, but thoughts and ideas I’ve picked up over time. I’m climbing out of the hole of a multiple year cycle that all feels like preparation for the insanity that is 2020. I experienced an inordinate number of endings that were all necessary. Some incredibly painful and disappointing, some a relief. I’ve sunk into my own shadow work, to look at some mirrors, disentangle some habits, and heal wounds. I had an illness that put me me on my butt for the better part of a year, and count myself lucky to be alive and mostly well. I lost my mother to lung cancer in September. All of this taught me the value of rest and stillness. I am still regaining my energy, and trying to get my feet beneath me. Anxiety and depression is a component to all of this, and have taken steps to care for myself. Sure, I’m kind of like a phoenix from the ashes, but if I am to be honest, it felt a little more like a dumpster fire. A sacred dumpster fire where the remnants of my old life needed to be burned in order to remove patterns of drama, self doubt, and toxic relationships.
I’m being transparent because as a healer, intuitive, teacher, and priestess, I feel it important to be authentic in my own process. I am in no way perfect or infallible. I want to reflect that we’re all kind of in the mess together, and I am fortunate enough to use my experiences to help others. A friend, and I wish I could remember which one, said that I had a way of “getting down in the weeds” of a client’s situation, and that is what made me an effective healer. I can’t really say if this is true, but if it is… I’m guessing it’s because I’ve been getting down in my own thorny, overgrown garden making space for new growth. It takes a lot of work, and there is always the concern of not doing it right, or enough.
The Hanged Man of the tarot is occupying my brain space lately. I kind of see him as the collective us, dangling by one foot, waiting for things to change in such a way that we can finally move forward. I wrote about the Hanged Man here in May, as it applies to Covid 19, but am reflecting on his greater context. That stillness is not comfortable in this culture. We are accustomed to convenience, socializing, and stimulation. We beat ourselves up if we aren’t constantly busy, and doing something constructive. Self reflection and introspection isn’t exactly our strong suit as a culture, yet the Hanged Man is an invitation to find quiet and make decisions based on our personal values rather than social demands. It is also an opportunity to pause in the madness, get clear on what motivates us, and cast light on the shadows that keep us locked in unhealthy patterns.
While we’re hanging out upside down, we can shift perspective. For me, I’ve found my gratitude. I have love and support all around me, and I am cared for emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I’ve gained perspective about those in their struggle for equity, safety, and respect. I’ve also noticed the capacity of people to step up to the plate socially, politically, and creatively. In our perceived stuckness, we can create a new way of being based on new ideas, but one thing is for certain is the need to sacrifice the old to make way something new and different. The Hanged Man offers a chance to be different, and act accordingly. I firmly feel values are being challenged and that it is time to dig deep and prioritize. Gods know I am trying.
I suppose you can think of it as a birth, since most of us come into the world head first (the Hanged Man has always reminded me of a sort of birth), but there is a need to get a handle of what is being birthed, and how we want to show up in the world. Like real births, it can be painful and messy in its own way. Giving birth to ourselves? Perhaps. It feels like that sometimes, and feeling shaky like I’m on toddler legs attempting to realign my life.
Back to that sacrifice idea… sometimes we have to let everything burn to see the bigger picture (See? Sacred dumpster fire!) Not everyone is going to get it. You will piss some people off by staying in integrity with your own beliefs. Some of us already have, and have lost friends and family as a result. Sometimes you have to wallow in the power of your own Shadow to find your anger, your pride, and your Core just to draw the right boundaries, and work hard for yourself and your communities. The world needs us to show up in an authentic way, sometimes you just need that fire to light the way.